To understand, to stop being afraid, does one have to become the monster? Let it grow over my skin, pale me? Do I have to rot? Is it rotting? I feel sick with it-- it makes my head heavy/weary.
I feel its presence, its changing nature. I feel its anxiety. What is a monster but the embodiment of fear, a name given to an irrational lust?
It is still below everything- it has not risen to consciousness, it crawls under me because they are ants, because they live within dirt and body. They will not show their face yet. Some of my dreams I cannot remember yet, they terrorize me in sleep and leave me sweating, but with no content to understand, analyze, resolve.